According to scientists, smiling enhances your mood and brings you joy. But when smiling comes naturally, why would you need a strategy?
My Page 1 Woman styles herself as a ‘smile strategist.’ She’s all about creating effective relationships with yourself and others through the benefits that come with smiling.
Meet Ruqya Khan, a wordsmith. A bold action taker accustomed to seizing opportunities before she has felt ready. Risky, you might think. But it has paid off as it brought her out of her domestic rut and into a portfolio career. Of course it wasn’t easy. She’d been socialised in line with her culture to be submissive, so learning to cut through the conditioning and put herself first was challenging. However, amongst the rewards came her SMILE Strategy and she’s now on a mission to spread it widely.
Read on and find out more about Ruqya and her smile strategy.
Describe your work.
Ruqya: I am a smile strategist; I work with words as a public speaker, journalist, freelance writer and life coach, for effective communication. My business is called ‘Just SMILE’.
In 2016 when I got the opportunity to stand on the TEDx stage I had no public speaking skills. But I had a story and an idea that I completely believed in. So, I could either wait for another opportunity whilst preparing myself, or I could give it a shot. So, I gave it a shot and came up with S.M.I.L.E. where I speak of moving from stuck to unstuck using gratitude and acceptance. What is SMILE? S: silence the mind, M: manage your attention, I: identify your intention, L: let things go and E: energize the possibility.
Smiling is essential for forming good relationships. It also helps to improve the relationship with yourself because when you smile you’re telling your mind that everything is alright. You could be really stressed but if you smile you begin to short circuit uneasiness and confuse your mind into thinking “she's smiling so maybe things aren't so bad after all”.
Ruqya Khan
In 2000 when my daughter had just started school and my son was eight months old, I started thinking, “There must be more to life than diapers and dishes”. I was an only child and rather introverted . As a teenager, I’d written poetry. I thought, “Maybe I can get it published or have a poetry column of my own in the local newspaper.” I called Gulf News, who said they didn’t publish poetry, but suggested I write about neighbourhood news through their group of women writers. So I joined the Dubai Ladies Writing Group and got my first by-line coincidentally on our 5th wedding anniversary. It became my most precious gift to our relationship. I still write for local & international media, providing I connect with the topic.
I also have a book coming out at the end of the year. ‘Smile To Move Forward’ is about the entire SMILE strategy and how to use it.
What essential steps did you take to get you to where you are today?
Ruqya: When I decided to contribute to the local newspaper I wasn't in a fabulous place as a journalist. When I got on stage, I wasn’t an orator. When I became a managing editor of a magazine I didn't know what a flat plan was. So, it was stressful but I learnt along the way and kept an open mind in order to progress.
I got into life coaching because when I was interviewing people NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), would constantly come up. These people were different. I loved their confidence, their joy when they spoke about their challenges and the way they didn't limit themselves. So, I said ‘I want some of that’. I got to understand NLP – which is the science of the mind and behaviour and their connection to the language we use. By then I had already been working with words for almost ten years, I just decided to take it to another level. And that's how I got into life coaching, (using NLP).
Doing the NLP basic practitioner training took me all the way to Bangalore in India. It was my first time travelling alone, staying by myself, meeting people from different backgrounds and making friends outside school and my family. It was a mind opening experience which helped me to do things I’d never done before. Being on the same journey, members of my cohort became a supportive tribe, which increased my confidence and changed my mindset positively about what I could achieve.
I was born in India and grew up in Kuwait. In 1990 when the Gulf War started we were uprooted from our home of fourteen years and returned to India. So, from living in a house with only three of us, now 27 of us shared the family home. I felt disconnected because I was dealing with many emotions. But I had a support system of good friends, and writing poetry helped.
I got married ten days short of my twentieth birthday. I completed my grad school and moved to UAE with my first born. Since my first by-line I have taken up various roles within my career - freelance writer, journalist, feature writer, managing editor, script writer, content developer, and now motivational speaker and life coach. I moved to UAE in 1997 and it sure feels like home.
What was your greatest challenge on your journey and how did you overcome it?
Ruqya: In October 2017, with my kids at university, my role as a mom had changed. I wanted to focus on me. Around the same time I lost papa. When I needed him most, he was no longer there. My husband is very supportive, very caring, but sometimes I need to speak to papa. So, the talkative wordsmith withdrew into myself and chose silence. I stopped public speaking, coaching and even writing. This was my biggest challenge.
But I’m lucky. I have people who trust me around me. I was invited to co-author a book with a group of women thought leaders from around the world. Then my SMILE caught the attention of the Ministry of Happiness and I was invited to speak at the Happiness Carnival. Here, as I connected with people and shared my SMILE I realized that many ah-ha moments were triggered in those sessions. Each time a face lit up I felt myself walk a step away from the dark emptiness within. I decided to once again share my message with everybody. And when my son asked me one day, what I’d been up to and I had nothing to say, I thought okay, ‘let's do something about this’. The daily commitment of live videos on my Facebook page is one thing I do to reach others.
What was your greatest lightbulb moment?
Ruqya: My greatest lightbulb moment happened during my Master Practitioner NLP course. I broke down during an exercise and realised that I was allowing myself to be a doormat. The trainer challenged me to start sticking up for myself without other people’s permission. And I thought ‘No more’. I've learnt self-respect. I had always been submissive, I still am within the relationships that I have to be, but now in situations when I need to put myself first, I do so without guilt. And that's given me a lot of room to move forward.
Indian women are taught to be the kinder, softer, most sensitive people in the room. Many families tell their girls, ‘You need to be submissive and kind and considerate’, which is great. But at the end of the day when you need to be loved, appreciated and acknowledged, who do you turn to?
Now that I completely honour my truth I have lost a few friends. The people who have stayed around, are the ones who accept me as I am and have always known me for who I am.
What resource has been crucial to your success?
Ruqya: The biggest resource one can have is a good support system. My biggest support system was my papa. He took pride in everything I did. Fire walking, sky diving, my interviews with celebrities, travel - every single thing I did was a joy for him. And seeing him get so excited would cheer me. The challenge when I lost him was not knowing where to take my ship, knowing that my harbour was lost. But then I realised that he’s in me and I live through him. His support helped me to trust myself, move forward and make a difference as a good wife and mom.
What do you understand by leadership?
Ruqya: Leadership is all about working with your team. You can lead from the front or from being with your team and moving forward. Leadership is about not just setting an example, but also learning from the people within your tribe. Some people think leadership is about oil and water and you're a layer above someone else. No you’re not. It’s more a blend of flavours.
It always takes me back to communicating effectively because sometimes women hold many thoughts in their head and don't share them. Then they're upset and angry that they weren’t understood. But really they didn't convey themselves properly. All of that could be taken care of if they expressed themselves.
As a SMILE strategist, and a change maker, I guess I am a leader. I want to change the way people look at a smile. I want people to identify it for its benefits. As a mother I’m a leader because I’m leading, guiding and mentoring my children and some of their friends.
As moms sometimes we belittle our role, thinking ‘I'm just a stay at home mom’. No, you're not; you have produced and shaped the people of tomorrow and shown them how the world works. As their leader you must trust the values that you equipped your children with.
What are your top three tips for women who want to lead in their field?
Ruqya: First trust, love, and respect yourself. You’ll be able to give these things to others and you’ll feel complete. When we feel broken we are incomplete and we're seeking completion outside ourselves, such as someone to acknowledge and appreciate us. But you have to acknowledge and appreciate yourself. And when you’re complete within yourself you can give, guide and lead better.
We must stop being so hard on ourselves and forgive ourselves if we've done something wrong or failed. We tend to hold onto that, and we begin to see it as our label.
Second, take a chance and learn along the way. If I’d waited to become that perfect journalist before writing my first article or if I’d waited to be absolutely ready before doing my videos, I'd still be waiting. There is no such thing as a perfect time or opportunity. Just go for it and learn along the way. And if it doesn’t go as well as you’d like, you’ve had the experience. Everything is learning. See failure as learning
Third, learn to pause and think forward. With each challenge comes anxiety and fear. In times like these I invite you to put worry on pause and agree to have an appointment with your worry maybe two days later. Give yourself assurance, ‘In two days’ time I’ll stress about this, but right now I'm going to think with an open mind and look at what’s possible. Worry clouds your mind. Silence the panic and think clearly. You will be surprised how things begin to come together when we envision them with faith instead of fear.
If you’d like to know more about Ruqya and her work, see her Facebook page – www.facebook.com/RKwrites
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