So, there you have it! Menopausal women rarely get mentioned. Yet, pesky pubescent girls are accepted as normal - a fact of life.
Why the difference? It’s an age thing! The older the woman the less she’s valued. And whilst we may roll our eyes at the menopausal male, the menopausal woman has been condemned to off-limits status.
But here’s the good news! Change is afoot. High profile women have been sharing their experiences - until a certain virus brought things to a screeching halt. And there’s a ‘Menopause - the Musical’ too. So, it’s merely a matter of time before the unmentionable becomes mentionable and hits the mainstream.
But what about my Page 1 Woman? She’s Kate Usher, menopause coach and expert and author of Your Second Phase. A smart, bold, proactive, out-spoken, activist and leader. She’s changing the negative narrative, empowering women to manage the challenges at work and home, whilst enabling them to see menopause for what it is – life’s second phase. Exciting! “We need to recognise that menopause isn’t the end. It’s a beginning”.
Read on to learn about Kate’s journey towards taking control of the menopause.
Kate Usher
What do you do?
Kate: I’m a menopause and second phase coach, an activist and a feminist. I work with women to enable them to see their menopause and the second phase of their lives positively. We’re told that it’s a downward slope. It's not. It's a beginning - an incredible opportunity that should be recognised. Because everything about you is screaming, “Take stock, make decisions, get your life in order”.
The other part is about recognizing the importance of relationships in the success of menopause. If you can harness your relationships, they provide a cushion of support and encouragement to help you to catapult into the second phase. They could be your mentor, work colleagues, partner, children, friends whoever.
I trained as a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist about 20 years ago. In those days, therapists and their patients faced prejudices. I re-trained as a coach because it held less of the stigma. Things are different now, thank goodness.
Becoming a menopause coach was due to my own menopause experience which started six years ago. It was horrific. I was utterly unprepared. I went from a gregarious, outgoing individual to someone who couldn’t get out of the house in the morning. Intense hot flushes, night sweats, depression, anxiety - it went on and on. That's why I do what I do.
When mine started no-one talked about it. I spoke to four GPs and two health practitioners, before I got any help. GPs are in a difficult position. There are risks associated with taking Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). In addition to this, most GPs receive very little training on menopause. Women need the facts so that they can make an informed choice. I decided to research it and help myself. And it worked.
The social taboo around the menopause is enormous. We arrive at this phase in our lives, uneducated and unprepared. If you’re in the 25% experiencing a bad menopause, it’s a massive shock. Our mothers, aunts, teachers don’t know how to talk about it, and we lack the narrative to open the conversation with our colleagues, managers, or partners.
For working women it’s tough. How do you tell your manager that the reason you’re shouting, bursting into tears and then back again in minutes is because you’re in menopause? Where do you start when there’s no established narrative on what to say, especially if your boss is a man? The Trade Union Congress did some research into Menopause at Work. Women said that their boss’ gender had a marked impact on whether they talked about it or not. There are things we can do, but it all starts with talking about it - all of us.
The prejudices around menopause cut across cultures. Menopause is difficult to talk about because of the unspoken social biases. The only way to change this is to talk about it and normalise it. We need to recognise that menopause isn’t the end, it’s a beginning.
When we reach 40, why aren’t we finding out what it’s about?’ If I’d been pre-warned, I would have understood what to expect, my options and how to get help if needed. Menopause directly affects 50% of the population. It’s not a lifestyle choice. Your experience of it is a genetic lottery, which we can’t predefine. Forewarned is forearmed here.
With little discomfort, we discuss puberty, when the pesky hormones kick in. Door slamming, screaming and shouting, are all accepted as perfectly normal events. Yet roll forward another 40 years and menopause is considered unpleasant, something to be whispered about, pushed into the shadows.
What essential steps did you take to get you to where you are now?
Kate: I believe that all your experiences inform who you are and your approach to life. My steps through my corporate life were important. I always worked in male dominated environments, which never bothered me. The complex challenges of corporate life played a huge part in my journey to this point.
I worked in IT at a time when there were very few women in the industry. I also worked on mine sites in Africa, which developed my ability to deal with challenges and create relationships in complex situations. It contributed to my ability to do what I do now. Dealing with my personal challenges during menopause meant that I had to start afresh. Instead of seeing this as an issue, it helped me recognise and understand how all my work experiences are building blocks that come together to make me who I am and how I approach work today.
I understand that women in corporate life don't have it easy. It's hard being a corporate employee, doing the hours that are needed, having commitments, and continuously pushing for your ambitions. It's extremely hard turning up and doing your best every day, whilst dealing with unconscious and conscious biases. Also, if I'd skipped through menopause and had it easy, I probably wouldn't be doing this. But I didn’t. It was terrible. Importantly the love and affection of my young children, my husband, and friends, pulled me through. While they held me, I put myself back together and became me again, by taking control, driving forward, and not letting it consume me.
What was your biggest lightbulb moment?
Kate: It was when my friend stepped in and helped me. She took me to the chemist filled my basket with vitamins. It was at that point I realised that whilst I couldn’t control my symptoms, I could control what happened next. It was incredibly empowering.
What's the one resource that has been crucial for your journey?
Kate: I have a strong feminist streak. Growing up in a male dominated environment I had to fight for myself. It made me driven to speak out, to say, ‘That’s not right’. It's about understanding that when it's not right for me, it can’t be right for others. If I'm feeling this, others are feeling it too.
There’s a LinkedIn article I posted recently, about the number of female execs in companies. Why is that information not out there? We are only looking at directors and quotas on boards. This clouds our vision, so we stop focusing on the true picture. Organisations are not doing enough to bring women through the ranks to senior management roles. They're ticking boxes. That's not good enough. I don’t accept that there aren't the women to promote, it’s more basic than that. Their rise to the top has been barred. That feminist streak is becoming stronger the older I get.
What’s your idea of good leadership?
Kate: It starts with how you relate to others. It's giving people space to be their brilliant selves. It's recognising what they do well and helping them where necessary. It’s about rewarding people, not just financially, but in terms of recognition as well.
When things go badly it’s about being honest, yet being prepared to stand tall in front of your team. Lastly, it’s about recognising that people are not automatons; they are human.
Am I a leader? I see myself as an activist for women of menopausal age. If that makes me a leader then that's great. But, that’s not a label I’ve given myself.
What are your top three tips for women who want to be leaders in their field?
Kate: Tip one, be absolutely crystal clear about what it is that you want, for two reasons. First, clarity is important for your brain. If you give it a vanilla statement like ‘I want to be happy’, it's lovely, but it's big and fuzzy. Tell your brain exactly what you want, and it will get it.
Your brain is continuously seeking to match what you need, but it needs specific criteria. If you tell your brain exactly what you want it will find it.
The second part of this is to set your long term and daily goals to get clarity and direction. I interviewed Sally Gunnell, an incredible British Olympian athlete. She said that as an athlete, she learned to set big long-term goals and small daily goals. Like Sally Gunnell, I've been using goals for years and they're fantastic, especially during menopause. It can last for 10 years so you must think long-term. Set five and ten year goals and then your day goals to get you there. Always remember that your brain is a superpower.
Tip two, harness the power of your relationships. Recognise their importance. Having coffee with somebody every day at work, or speaking to the person in the cake shop count as relationships which affect your life. Harness them to empower you. For instance, when I worked in an office I enjoyed talking to people and listening to their stories. People want to be listened to and heard. The minute you listen you’re acknowledging them as another human being. When you’re empathetic, compassionate, and human, people will be the same back.
Tip three, be prepared to be vulnerable. With the menopause you’ll have days when you're tearful or want to scream. Being vulnerable means you’re a complete human being. Research such as Google’s Project Aristotle shows the power of vulnerability. It creates human connection and empathy.
Being vulnerable at work used to be seen as a negative but things are changing. Organisations want to get the best out of us. Which drives recognition that sometimes people are vulnerable and they need additional support. When my team members showed vulnerability, I went the extra yard for them. When I’ve been vulnerable, people's responses have amazed me. The pandemic has brought a shared vulnerability, which has the potential to positively transform our places of work.
Learn more about Kate and her business, “Second Phase” by clicking here.
Get her book Your Second Phase here.
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